My Story

So this is my story.

I have made this quite a long story as I wanted to remember this day in detail for some reason. Maybe because it was our last day together, or to never forget the pain so that it stays real and doesnt become  dream-like, as some days I think "did that really happen?"

I am writing this to tell you about the worst day of our life…..the day we lost you, our Angel, our little Baby Girl.

Some people thought we were crazy wanting 3 kids so close together but we were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant with you. There was going to be 22 months between you and your brother Nate, and 41 between you and your biggest brother Ollie. Unfortunately life was so busy during your short stay with us that 12 weeks really happened so fast and you were taken from us way to soon…

We are unsure of exactly when you left us but the first signs that something was not ok was on the 3^rd of October, 2012. Daddy dialed the Dr’s mobile and I grabbed the phone and in a panic explained what was happening. I had also had a sharp pain earlier that day walking through Aldi but brushed it off as a nerve as it seemed to move to the top of my leg and was gone by the time I reached the end of the aisle. The Dr was not worried and said you would most likely be fine being that you had been in Mummy’s tummy for 12 weeks, 2 days. He said come in at our planned appointment at 4pm the next day and he was sure he would scan my tummy and tell me you were ok. I was emotional and scared but thought you would be ok.

The next day was a slow day. I had had some more troubles but no worse than the night before so I still waited for my appointment time. Although I was hopeful my heart began to sink that day. By lunch I had begun to feel a dull ache in my tummy and lower back.

Waiting in the waiting room was worrying but as your brothers were being looked after we only had you to worry about. I tried to be positive, after all, the Dr had said more often at this stage these things turn out to be ok.

In his room the Dr asked how my day had been. I said I still had the same trouble but my tummy had started aching and so had my lower back. When I said this, the Dr turned away from me before telling me to hop up on the bed. I think that was the moment I knew.

When I was on the bed he told me sometimes he can’t see what he wants to see on the scan which means he would take me into the next room to do another scan. I was so scared, hopeful and sad all at once.

I don’t remember if I was breathing when I saw you on the monitor but I know I was searching madly for that tiny little flicker. It all happened so quickly and the Dr took away the ultra sound and asked me to come into the other room. I panicked and said “but you would have seen the heart beat on this one” half pleading for him to tell me, I just needed to hear it so I could make sense of how I was feeling and how I was meant to feel.

In the other room I saw your little body, not moving. I will never forget that. I’ve only ever known happiness in these moments, how was I going to manage this? The Dr didn’t say anything before measuring you. He said he was sorry and you hadn’t been growing. You had been in Mummy’s tummy for 12 weeks but you only measured 8. He said you were gone and showed us where your heart was, completely still.

I was overcome with so many emotions I didn’t know what to do with myself. We were instantly devastated. Your Daddy did not expect that news. For about 2 seconds I was angry, never at you, but I thought about wanting you out then and there, I couldn’t believe you were still there but not at the same time. It was at that point I was just overcome with complete sadness. I have lost people I love before but this was different. I don’t know if because I never got to meet you, or I never in my wildest dreams would have considered that this could happen to us. I felt like you were taken from us in that moment.

The Dr told us you wouldn’t be leaving me until 1:30 the next day. Most of what he said is a blur, but I do remember him saying you may have been gone for a while, maybe even within days of our 8 week check up, at which time you also measured 8 weeks, but he didn’t really know. He gave me tablets to take at 11 the next day to reduce the risks of the curette, which I didn’t really think about. I didn’t even remember later where the procedure was happening. All I could think about was that my little angel had died inside of me and I didn’t even know.

I searched in my mind for anything I might have done wrong, or anything I could have changed to have prevented this. I am your Mummy and I’m supposed to protect you! I thought about how many people we had told our good news to over the last few weeks that we now had to tell of this so very sad news. And I thought about if you were even with us when we were telling them. How could we be so happy, when little did we know what was happening to you?

Why did this happen? Was it me? Did I walk to hard, did I eat something I didn’t realize I shouldn’t, I limited my coffee but did I have to much, should I have not drank it at all, was it the run I went for or that wine I had before I knew about you? Or was it just because?

My next thoughts were that you were still with me…….

How did I feel about that because you weren’t really there anymore? I wasn’t sure until I had a wonderfully wise person shed some light on what was really happening. You were still the same baby you were before, I was just meant to keep loving you. I got one more night to look after you.

I went to bed that night and held you for a little while. I had been thinking about when you might have left us. What stage of development you might have been at. Were YOU aware you existed? Did you know if you moved your arm or your leg? Had you heard my voice or anyone else’s? If you were aware you existed were you aware you were leaving us to? I’d like to think you at least knew I was there, and maybe heard or felt MY heart beat for you.

I regret being so busy, obviously not to regret my time with the boys, I’m mean with my sewing and other things. I don’t really think I had a lot of moments where I just made myself aware of your existence. What I mean is to talk to you, rub my belly, and sing you songs. Life is just to busy for the so called “little” things that when you think about it now, weren’t so little after all, unbeknownst to me they would have been they only moments we would have shared. And although I know I love you I worry we didn’t get a chance to “share a bond”.

I really love my boys and I’m so happily busy with them, but we really REALLY wanted you too. We had already talked about where you would sleep. We told Ollie and Natey how they would be the best big brothers to you. We also talked about how you were going to be my birthday present. I can’t say I’m looking forward to that one but don’t worry, we’ll be ok, but we will definitely remember you that day.

I worried for a little while that nature would do its thing and you might leave me this night and would I see you if you did? What would I do with you? I was advised to wrap you in a towel and take you to the hospital, so that’s what I thought I would do. Thankfully this did not happen. Strangely enough, after holding you for a little while I managed to sleep. I tossed and turned but slept… until about 3.30 anyway. I had to get up to go to the toilet which seemed to stir up some more cramping; this was an extremely horrible reminder and lasted for about 2 hours. I had nothing to do but quietly cry for you. By the time it stopped I kept thinking what if the Dr was wrong and didn’t know until it was too late, even though I knew there was no possible way, I saw you with my own eyes, I had just felt the cramps. I think I dosed from about 5:30-6 when the boys came in and I had to get up and eat before fasting from 6:30, not that I was hungry but we went through the motions anyway. I had a big day ahead of me and figured I probably needed my energy.

Although I was so very sad, I was strangely calm that morning. I knew it was the right thing to have this terrible time stopped today and not carry on longer than it had to. I kept thinking about you in there for our last hours together. I became worried about where you would go after today. I still don’t know but I hope wherever you are you are sleeping peacefully. Even if you only made about 8 weeks you are still my baby.

So very slowly 11am came and Mummy and Daddy were in a waiting room at the hospital and I had those 3 little tablets in my hand the Dr had given me the day before. I couldn’t take them. It occurred to me that taking these tablets was taking the process OUT of nature’s hands and into mine. Nature was no longer taking its course, I would be speeding it along. I really did not want to do this. I knew it also meant hours of pain and constantly reminding me of what I was there waiting for. I didn’t want to let go of you and I felt this would be me saying its ok that you are leaving me. Daddy made one last phone call within which the Dr said he was one million percent sure…so I took the tablets.

It was at that point I met the most wonderful nurse and the best person I could have had around at this time. She told me she was going to look after me and she hadn’t forgotten about me, they had to get my room ready. Believe it or not if Mummy hadn’t have got Daddy to ring and check they weren’t putting me in maternity that’s exactly where I was going, hence my room not being ready here.

The nurse told me we were going through a very terrible time right now and that we should grieve how we need to grieve, and it is nature’s way of telling us that perhaps it was better this way. She told me it’s ok to feel how I’m feeling and that even though we have two of the most beautiful boys at home; it doesn’t change the fact that we really wanted you too. She told me our time will come and when this is over and we are ready we will have a healthy full term baby as before with the boys, everything happens for a reason. She told me her daughter had been through this and that when I get to the other side I am going to feel empty and that I should cry if I need to.

As the cramping got worse I tried to drown out the pain with panedole and heat bags that were really probably too hot but the burning seemed to over power the cramps which was a much preferred feeling. I also tried Ellen, if you could have heard it, it would have been a familiar sound and she even got me to giggle a few times. Probably what I needed. But that all went away and I felt like my world was getting tipped upside down when the nurse came and told me the Dr was coming to get me. I went to the toilet and the unthinkable happened. Because the universe had not been cruel enough yet, I thought I lost you in the toilet. I buzzed the nurse, told her I thought I lost you and thinking she did the right thing she quickly flushed the toilet and told me it wouldn’t have been you. I told her but we had decided we wanted to know if you were a boy or girl and now we may never know. She looked at me and said if I have then there is nothing we could do. I had worried about where you would end up but now….I couldn’t bear to think of where you would end up.

I was wheeled to the theatre, very conscious of who was around and not to cry to obviously. I was taken to the anesthetic room before the theatre, which the kind staff had allowed Daddy to come with me which is usually not allowed. I felt most people were uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say to me so I guess Daddy was then able to do all the talking too. We did tell them we wanted to talk to the Dr to though. The Dr took a while to come which gave me more time to be upset but more time with you. I am not a religious person, and where I was facing was a crucifix with Jesus on it. I felt very uncomfortable and couldn’t look at it. I guess even being in the middle when it comes to religion I was feeling a bit betrayed. How do people find faith at times like this?

We spoke to the Dr about finding out a bit more about you. He said we could but it would cost a bit. Mummy and Daddy looked at each other, both conscious about money but what was more important. We didn’t get to a conclusion before I was given what the anesthetist called the “Gin and Tonic” that I needed and I was taken to theatre. Unfortunately the Gin and Tonic made me forget about the discussion and I didn’t cry anymore.

I woke up to a pipe in my throat which the nurse promptly removed when I woke. I was aware of my throat being sore for a moment before I remembered why I was there and you were no longer with me. The nurse had been right about that empty feeling. Only thing was she could never have prepared me for it. I thought I would feel emotionally empty….because of how long you had been with Mummy I could physically feel you were gone. That I will never forget and I am crying as I remember it now. That was it for Mummy, I felt very alone and sooo sad. Especially as I remembered your Daddy and I hadn’t said whether we wanted to find out if you were a boy or girl. I was never going to know and I felt like that was the only thing I had that I could learn about who you are.

The nurse decided to take me to my room to give me some privacy, as the Dr had a busy afternoon and forgot to call Daddy who wanted to be there when I woke and come back to my room with me; I believe they had been waiting for him to arrive. But that wouldn’t have changed the alone feeling, it was a different kind of alone.

As Mummy was being wheeled out the door a theatre nurse caught us and told me that Daddy had sent someone in to make sure the Dr knew we would go ahead with gender testing. That’s why I love your Daddy, when it comes to it he always knows when to do what’s right in our hearts and not in our heads. I cried even more now because I was going to be able to know you a bit better and I also knew I hadn’t lost you in the toilet. If I could be happy about anything I was happy about that.

I cried all the way to my room, this time I didn’t really care who was around to hear it. I cried until Daddy arrived and we cried together. I think Daddy was upset he hadn’t made it for when I woke up as well. I felt very sad that I had not had any room in my emotional state to ask him how he was through all of this. I knew I couldn’t have coped emotionally if he said he was not ok, I could not have dealt with it. I don’t know why but I hadn’t really wanted anyone to hug me or do anything. There was nothing anyone could do to bring you back to us. I just needed to be with you by myself. But now I was all alone I needed your Daddy.

We will never forget you, I don’t think I will ever stop thinking about who you might have been and the age milestones you would have reached. Another wise woman told me to stop torturing myself looking for reasons why. She said it is ok to feel not ok, but also that is fine to feel ok at times because it’s my brain giving me a break, that’s self preservation and it doesn’t mean I will forget you. This is the best thing anyone has said to me so far because I haven’t wanted to feel ok yet, and I feel weird when I do…I didn’t know you like I wanted to but I miss you and feel like I want to be sad. I’m not sad so much for me but for you. I’m so sorry this happened and I hope you didn’t suffer. I’m sad about you not getting a long enough chance of life, to meet your wonderful family.

This wise woman also said “Don't forget, I know u, I know u didn't go and shoot drugs up your arm, smoke cigars, do belly flops on concrete. U did protect your baby, now its bubs turn to watch over and guide you. You'll always be connected.” I needed to hear this too. I already think you are guiding me. I have found a new patience with the boys. I have always loved them and appreciated them but in some way I guess I took them for granted. I don’t think there is any possible way to love them any more than I do but I realize they are my little miracles. In the future I don’t think I will get upset when our baby cries at night or is unsettled, he/she could be in my arms all night if they have to as long as I have them.

I have been thinking about what you would have been like. Who you would have looked like, how you would have smelled, and what your laugh would have sounded like. Your brothers have been a great distraction, but I watch them at the moment and I can’t help but think about not being able to do these things with you too one day, or that I wont ever see you smile, eat, all the firsts. We won’t ever forget you though.

Ollie has been very concerned. He keeps asking me if I’m sad. I told him you weren’t in Mummy’s tummy anymore. Obviously he doesn’t really understand but he did sing me a song to cheer me up. He sang the Lazy town theme song. I don’t know if you were able to hear us before but if you could you would know this one quite well. Before bed that night Ollie told me he had an idea to cheer me up. He would make me another baby girl. He always called you baby girl. He said something about painting so I have since had him; Daddy and Natey draw a picture for me. It was of the family and you were there. I decided this picture should be for you and I am putting this in my memory box I have made for special things we had during the short time you were with us, like ultrasound photos. It really is a shame you didn’t get to meet your Daddy and Brothers, they really are fantastic, as we know you would have been too.

"A ray of sunshine came and went,
A beautiful treasure only lent,
In the Angels keeping quietly sleeps,
Our child we loved, and longed to keep."