Self titled post

The only part of the song that makes me think of my baby so I am borrowing it for this post. This is a chorus from a song by the Waifs. I think it is very fitting for here. 

"Under the willow tree,

 is where I wait for you,

to come back to me,

but your so far away,

Ill just sit right here,

in the morning sun,

and I wait under the willow tree"

I thought is was nice. It fits with my reasoning for the name of my blog which I wrote HERE. The rest of the song is about a break up I think so dont bother looking it up. Unless of course you like the Waifs. Seemed like not a bad song.

Mummy hugs

xxx

Friends

I started writing this as a telepathic letter to my friends 5 weeks after our loss, one I never thought they would see. I am posting it here as an insight into how I felt. It is a bit all over the place as I was a bit of a mess. It has been 4 months now for me. 

If anyone reads this and can relate please say so in a comment below. If only one friend of someone who has lost a baby reads this, that’s one person who might have more of an idea of how to reach out to their friend in a way that is helpful to them…

If I can ask anything of my friends it is to be patient with me. When I say I am good or ok, I am lying but I am trying to be ok. It's odd that one little question that is so commonly asked, expected to be asked, is the reason for me that seeing people is so hard. How do you know when this is asked in vain, when a person doesn’t really want to know the answer, or if it is asked with the expectation that the answer will always be “good thanks”, as it is simply a social norm to ask and simply means “hello”. 

"How are you?" I have really struggled with this question the most. It is always the first thing that is said but doesn’t always mean HOW ARE YOU? I have witnessed hesitation in this question, as it is said without thought, it often means "hi". For me I can’t read if this hesitation means you just remembered I’m not ok and feel bad for asking, or you think I had forgotten my baby died and you just reminded me! Or your thinking “oh @#*! I didn’t mean to ask that, now she’s going to bang on about it again and probably cry!”. Because of this I have avoided people for a while. Who would understand that this question could be so hard? So you know I’m not ok or good. I really want to talk about it so please let me know if you REALLY mean how are you?

In the past I have been one of the people who don’t know what to say to even my closest friends in fear of making them upset if they don’t want to be upset. I assumed that when someone seems ok they possibly are and assumed they would just know they could talk to me at absolutely anytime, day or night, if they wanted to. I was so completely wrong about this. There is something about the topic of losing a baby that is taboo. People don’t know what to say, and sometimes people really can’t say the “right” thing. I know now though that checking if someone wants to talk to you and letting them know they can is the RIGHT thing to do. For me I’d really appreciate this and I can decide if you are the right person to talk to or if it’s the right time or not. Acknowledgment, understanding I’m grieving and knowing people haven’t forgotten is the best medicine on my road to healing. 

An example of the whirlwind going on inside my head:
“do they want to hear about it (again!) and how sad I am ALL the time....do they see it as a sad loss or something that was just meant to be and I need to move on.....do they want to deal with a friend who is a blubbering mess right now....will they feel uncomfortable....is it appropriate to keep talking about this, even more than once. Will they feel like I am a burden if I say I am sad (when they ask me how I am!) EVERY time I see them?”

Being that I have been the friend of someone that has lost, there are questions here I have also experienced:
“what if they aren’t thinking about it now and they don’t want to be, will asking them about it make them upset and they don’t want to be, will I know what to say if they do get upset?”
I can now say there isn’t a time when I am not thinking about our baby so asking me about it would be actually reassuring and acknowledging that I would be thinking about it. And if I don’t want to talk about it I will tell you. Even to know who would be ok with me talking when I need to, so I know I never have to pretend to forget.

It actually is not obvious who it is ok to talk about it with because there is always a lot of avoidance that I know is not to be cruel but because of uncertainty and kindness. I can say that if I get upset talking I am not upset with you, don’t feel guilty, If I'm upset I am still healing and sometimes its nice to have those moments with a friend who can give me a hug. In fact there are times I don’t want to feel ok. Pretending to be ok or the thought of ACTUALLY being ok to me says to me now I am happy to forget, and I’m not. And there is nothing you can say that will make me feel better about it so don’t worry about what to say. Knowing your just there is the only thing that makes this any easier.

Saying all this, there are definately some friends that are not the right people to talk to even though they are willing. In particular the ones who dont think I lost a "baby". They are unable to help and unintentionally make me feel more emotional and a disbelief for a thought process I will never understand! I'm starting to see why this subject is taboo now. But honestly, ask if I'm ok and I will talk if I want to. In most cases, even the "wrong" thing to say gives me some comfort as I know you care and are trying with me. And anyway, its not about a friend needing to say something, or anything. I dont need to be fixed. I just want someone who is happy to listen. I guess that is all I want at the end of this big longwinded letter.

Two very dear friends of mine did the best thing anyone could have done for me. We (probably they really) organised a catch up. They made it sound like it suited best for me to go see them. They told me later that day they decided I should get out of the house. I had a PANG of I cant believe you did that as I really didnt want to. It lasted 2 seconds before I realised how thoughtfully they did it and they really cared. They werent afraid to ask me how I felt, they didnt claim to know how I was feeling but didnt make me feel silly for it either. As I left one of them said (and I cant remember her words exactly) grieve but dont hide for to long...or something like that. This comment made me ball my eyes out the whole way home! Only because she was right. I can grieve but I have my kids to think of as well and staying in a slump indoors was no good for any of us.

Her comment stuck and after a much needed week away, I returned making an effort to get myself and the boys out.  The hardest thing I have ever done is take my boys out to see friends whilst balling my eyes out on the inside. To maintain composure was so so soooo hard. I could distract myself in a conversation, but in between I was exhausted by the constant fight with my emotions. But I did it. I stayed strong and it did get easier. This reminds me I really have to thank this friend of mine... There are other great friends to but this one really stuck with me.

I want to share bits of an email I sent a very special person who shares her own experience of this with me. I’m sharing because I want my friends to know what is happening for me. There is some sort of invisible wall of strange uneasiness and uncertainty that I don’t like having between me and my friends, whether they feel it to or it’s just me, at least on the first occasion.

"....At that stage where I feel when I catch up with people and they say a simple "how are you?" Inside I'm screaming no I'm not ok my insides are shredded how can I be ok, but I can only say no so many times before I have to "appear" to be moving on. So I say "ok" and cos most people are afraid of the topic and whether I'm going to turn into a puddle on the floor, they kinda breathe a sigh of relief and are so happy cos I'm "happy" now and then it's like it never happened. And then I realise I have to pretend that it didn't when I'm in company forever. Does that make sense? I find this so exhausting because there's not really a second that goes by when I don't think about it and I have waves of wanting to cry and I feel a sadness I've never felt before and a kind of alone that company won't fix and I have to be outwardly happy.

I've never understood for example with you of what this feels like or what to say so I am guilty of not knowing whether to ask if someone is REALLY ok incase I upset them. I kinda feel like I would like someone to reply to my "ok" with.."no seriously, I mean are you REALLY ok." So I can say sometimes "we'll actually I'm not really and thanks for acknowledging I did lose a baby and not some tissue or cells but a baby so I'm not just over it because I can smile and SAY I'm ok....All I can say is its probably getting easier to pretend I'm ok. I think cos it feels like a dream now. I think cos there's nothing to show for our loss it doesn't seem real"

From here I am writing this now...I did warn you my head was all over the place!

I find sometimes the person you think will really understand, and you feel like they are the one you want to talk about it with, because they will know the right things to say, really isn’t the right person at all. 

A very dear friend said to me upon me telling her how sad our loss had made me, "so, you feel like you lost a baby like this?" and nodded towards my son. Her look was one of disbelief, I didn’t get a chance to answer and she asked me no more about how I was going. In my head I said “of course I do, what the hell else did I lose a donkey!?! I thought about this after at least a night of my own disbelief and hurt as I thought she was the friend to talk to, and I have forgiven her for this. I realize that people just don’t understand what it is like to experience this kind of loss. Even though if I asked her when she started loving her two healthy children I know her answer would be right from the moment she found out she was pregnant. Some people who haven’t experienced this seem to think that love disappears because what was meant to be just was, so you get over it. If I asked her if she referred to her children in the first few weeks as babies or a bunch of cells I know the answer to this one too. 

A mother’s love bares no choice. A mother loves her baby as the baby they plan for, have dreams for, a sibling for their older children, a little bundle to dote over, the wonder of what the baby will look like, feel like, smell like, sound like. It is not just the physical baby a mummy loses, it is the hopes and dreams that go with it. We don’t even realize but we have a certain ‘expectation’ right from when we find out we are pregnant. Even if the only expectation was that a baby WILL be the end result of a pregnancy. 

These comments are not vindictive towards my friend in anyway. I love this girly to bits. She is great to talk with about things she knows about. I was wrong to assume that being a mother means you would know how you or anyone else might feel. As part of my dealing with this I need to understand all aspects. If I don’t I will only keep getting hurt in so many ways. But this has also inspired me to begin this blog, I would love to create an awareness and help ease this sense of taboo that comes with a miscarriage. If I can help my friends understand then that is a start to changing how people understand the sensitivity of this and therefore become less afraid of it.

I had another friend tell me to never write my baby's name on any Christmas cards that I send to her as she would throw them in the bin. When she explained her reasoning I understood what her reasons were, however perhaps asking me or telling me why it would make her feel uncomfortable would have been the way, then I could decide whether to send her a card at all, or leave my baby’s name off hers IF I was even going to add Willow's name.
I believe everyone deals with these situations in their own way, and it is their right to do what they need to feel connected with their angel. But I guess we need to know not to have an expectation as to how others will respond too, to save ourselves from hurt. The latter friend, in all OTHER aspects these comments are what I love about her as she is always to the point. She happens to be a very caring person who has experienced two of her own angel babies.

As I said in my first post here, I am guilty of being someone who has thought with the best intentions and the kindness of my heart...at least it was early, and heaven forbid I may have even said it to someone. I never could imagine what loosing a full term baby would feel like and I don’t ever want to. But it actually doesn’t ease the pain of loosing a baby at ANY stage. Once you have a positive test you have a baby, in your thoughts and plans it is definitely a baby, no matter what physical stage it is at. 

We saw our baby's heart beat at a mere 7 weeks, we saw a head, a spine and we even saw where our babies arms and legs were beginning to form. We heard the heart beat at 8 weeks and the feeling of a life growing inside me was very much alive and real. My weekly emails about my baby told me our baby was no longer an embryo but a fetus at our 8 week scan, and that the definition of fetus means "little one". Although not quite 2 centimeters that week, the embryonic tail was gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves were beginning to function. The hands could bend at the wrist, and the feet began to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids were beginning to cover the eyes. 

For those who didn’t understand how I could feel such sorrow, we lost a baby. Just because we didn’t get to physically hold her, we still lost a baby

I don't want to hear it was for the best, or they are in a better place now. I truly believe that our little angel would have brightened up our world and we would have loved our baby no matter what, we have a pretty damn good place here. It wasn't meant to be, we wanted our baby, she was meant to be with us.


Mummy cuddles to you my baby girl, you are with us in other ways

xxx

The hardest things

The hardest thing for me in all of this is the sadness I feel for my baby. I will never know if she suffered. This is the worst part I believe for any Mummy. Wondering whether (and this bit is a bit scientific like) neural connections had been made that made my baby aware of her own existence. If she moved her arm or leg did she realise? Was she aware of her warm surroundings? And if so was she aware of me? Did she feel my movements or my heartbeat? Was she aware of my existence or that she had a Mummy who loved her? And if she was aware of at least her own existence, was she at all aware that she had to leave?

I don't know what answers would be more helpful. The idea that she was aware of maybe even my heartbeat is somewhat comforting. That she might have known there was a being in the form of her Mummy, and that had I been given the awareness or opportunity  I would have done everything in my power to protect her, as any Mummy would. However, to have this awareness would mean that she knew she had to leave us. So I would also find comfort in knowing she was not aware of any suffering her tiny little body endured. However I know that by 12 weeks a babys brain is functioning and so is the nervous system.

We unsure at what stage she left in spirit. I was 12 + 2 weeks when we found out she had died. However she only measured 8 weeks. I like to think she was with me until the end regardless to my thoughts above. Rather than having carried her for up to 4 weeks unknowing......

I often think about where she would be now, the after life so-to-speak. And this is where I struggle with the awareness and not having any bond with me or knowing who I am. If there is an after life how would she know who I am, where to find me if she chooses to stay with me, and that I love her. All I can do is open my heart to her.

I like to think there is something after death. I like the thought of being able to watch over our loved ones and have them watch over us. This brings me to my thoughts about religion. I have never been an overly religious person. The thought of religion has been a tough one for me in this. I wish I had some Divine being to look to for guidance, or to be able to say "God took my little girl because he had other plans for her" and then be OK with that. I cant help but feel very betrayed if there is someone who decided there was a better place for my girl other than right here with me.

These are the things I struggle with.

I think about you everyday baby girl and wish you were here with me. Although it is me who should be protecting and watching over you, I am really trying to except that you are watching over me. I am trying very hard.

Mummy hugs to you my girl

xxx

A moment to share...Daddy's get sad to

I just had to share this moment my husband had today...

He was at Bunnings and started talking to a man, one of the workers, about our angel baby. I asked how on earth two men in Bunnings of all places would start talking about her. 

This is how it goes,

He new the man and he asked how our two boys were. They were looking at photos of them and the man asked if we were thinking about have anymore. Jeremy replied that we had already been pregnant again but had unfortunately lost our baby.

This is the bit that brought me nearly to tears,

The man told Jeremy that in a week, the 19th of this month, would have been their angel babies 30th birthday. He didnt even have to think about it. He new the date just like that. He said he never forgets. He told my husband to tell me it gets easier, and that it hits us Mummys harder than "the blokes".

That really touched me. My biggest fear was that our Angel baby would be forgotten. I know I wont forget, and now I know that that man wont forget. These babies are never forgotten and that makes me cry tears of the happier kind. When you remember your own angel you have a thought for all our babies with wings. I know ill think of his always, even if only a fleeting thought. Remember that man at Bunnings....?

Because of this moment I have created a tab on my page called For Daddy's. I have asked my husband to go on there and post his feelings about it all when he feels up to it. (Hopefully he will) Thankfully it hasnt happened to my husband but Im afraid they get forgotten in these situations. But they get sad to.

My due date...

I am really struggling with the thought of my due date. I think it is stressing me out more than I imagined and it is still two months away. My husband and I are fighting, nothing major but it seems to be constant. My fuse is shorter than it has ever been before and I am struggling to not let it effect my two boys. I am trying really hard to be happy for them.

My baby was due 4 days after my birthday. My husband talks about having a belated 30th this year as I wasnt wanting to celebrate last year incase I was pregnant. Turned out I did get pregnant just after my birthday but lost the baby at only 4 weeks. I am really anxious about my birthday, like REALLY. I am really really sad about it. I would be happy to miss this one and I certainly do not want to celebrate it. I should be giving birth to the best bundle anyone could get for their birthday. I just want my husband and my two boys with me. And even though I have been doing really well with losing weight I want to eat crap and veg at home. 

And then 4 days later I would like no one with me. Sadly I dont think I could manage even my little boys with me, which just made me cry thinking about that. But I want a day to just cry, scream, throw shit, punch stuff, break something, run somewhere. And once I have done that maybe sit with Willow's teddy the hospital gave me when we lost her and look at the ultra sound pictures I have of her, probably while sitting in the room that was going to be hers, and look at the drawing the boys did of the family which includes our "little girl". Amazingly my eldest boy called her "little girl" from the start, even though we found out she was a girl after. Funny how they know stuff.

Baby girl I am not angry with you, Mummy is just really sad and thinks that some things in life are not fair

Mummy Hugs to you my girl

xxx

An awareness that a BABY was lost

I find the hardest thing to deal with is that other people, my friends, have trouble finding the connection between what is lost when a miscarriage occurs and a baby. To be honest I myself don't understand how a person wouldn't feel they lost a baby, as I have explained in other posts it is the planning, the expectations and the dreams that are lost and what helps to make it more of a reality for a Mummy that what the Dr's refer to as lost "cells", is a baby in every way. I mean every living thing is a bunch of "cells", but when my Pa died I remember no one saying they were sorry about the cells I lost!

I just wanted to post a blurb of the weekly emails I received when I was pregnant with Willow, in the hope that people can either relate to how I feel, or those who don't understand just might. 

This is the one I read the night before I started bleeding. Can I add that on this night I was watching the video posted on Babycentre about what my baby would look like at 12 weeks, showing how it would move. As I watched this video I tried to imagine that she was doing exactly that, kicking and learning how to move her limbs. I was feeling disappointed in myself that I had not taken time out to do this, to feel her existence and to somehow send her my love an thoughts.

12 weeks

"Your baby's face is beginning to look more human, even though she is only about 5.5cms long from her crown to her rump and weighs 14 grams. The eyes, which started out on the sides of the head, have moved closer together. The ears are almost in their normal position on the side of the head. The liver is making bile and the kidneys are secreting urine in the bladder.

The fetus squirms if your abdomen is prodded, although you cannot yet feel movement. Fetal nerve cells have been multiplying rapidly and synapses (neurological connections in your brain) are forming. The fetus has acquired more reflexes: touching the palms makes the fingers close, touching the soles of the feet makes the toes curl down and touching the eyelids makes the eye muscles clench."

And the video I watched to try and feel a connection with her and start bonding...is here if you wish to see for yourself. The following is the transcript of the narration. I have highlighted one of the most important parts.

" Narrator: At ten weeks and barely the size of a kumquat, your baby is entering the foetal stage of development.
His facial features are defined, and his tooth buds are forming.
Over the next weeks, his tissues and organs will rapidly grow and mature." (that's grow not develop)
"The webbing is gone between his fingers and toes, and his nails and fingerprints are developing. Your baby can open and close his fists and curl his toes.
Thanks to his developing muscles and reflexes, he's now moving his limbs and kicking up a storm. If this is your first baby, though, you likely won't feel his flutters until 18 to 20 weeks.
Through translucent skin, his vital organs are visible and functioning, including his growing brain, nervous system, intestines, and liver, which are making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac.
The umbilical cord is working hard now. One vein delivers oxygen and nutrient-rich blood to your baby. Two arteries then carry the blood away.
Around week 12, the kidneys have begun producing urine, which your baby will soon start excreting into the amniotic fluid. He'll swallow the fluid, and the process will begin again."

Even going back to 7 weeks (or the beginning of the eighth week), when my baby was very much alive, a baby has all their organs. Now they just need to grow

 "Now about 1.25 centimetres long, the size of a grape, the embryo has distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. It's a jumping bean, moving in fits and starts. The liver is churning out large amounts of red blood cells until the bone marrow forms and takes over this role.
The eighth week marks the beginning of a very busy developmental stage. Between now and 20 weeks, your baby will be growing rapidly, and body parts that formed in the first few weeks of life (such as the heart and brain) will become more specialised and complicated. Right now, the teeth and palate are forming, while the ears continue to develop. The fetus' skin is paper thin, and veins are clearly visible."

And at eight weeks, the week in which we last saw our baby girls beating heart 

"Congratulations -- your embryo is now called a fetus, which means 'little one.' Your uterus expands to accommodate its new resident, which now measures approximately 1.6 centimetres. Many changes take place this week -- the embryonic tail is gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves are beginning to function. The hands now bend at the wrist, and the feet begin to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids are beginning to cover the eyes."

 This is why I get upset when someone doesn't understand how I could feel as though I lost an actual baby. Its because I did. That is all.


Mummy hugs

xxx

My first post in memory of our baby

We had some very sad news on 5th of October 2012.... the news that our beautiful little Angel was sleeping. Our baby's heart was silent and still, I was 12 + 2 weeks pregnant.

An Angel from the Book of Life

Wrote down my baby's birth,

And whispered as she closed the book

"Too Beautiful For Earth"

Author Unknown 

This poem always makes me teary these days. It is so beautiful to me. And it describes my baby perfectly. "too Beautiful for earth" but forever with me in my heart. 

 I am compelled to create this blog to share some things in our baby's memory as the sadness I feel makes me want to never forget that a tiny little heart did beat. My blog is simply for me to allow a memory to live on and if anyone reads this I hope to maybe create more of an awareness for something that is rarely spoken about in the general population, and a safe place for those going through a really tough time, to be able to see what someone else is feeling, and see it is most likely the same or at least similar.

In 4 days I would have been 7 months pregnant, however instead we have an angel to remind me how precious life really is and to help me appreciate every moment. I know now that no matter how much we plan out our lives, our lives are already planned out for us. WE had so many plans for our baby. This has changed me. I will never forget. The deep deep sadness, the aloneness that is so empty it cannot be filled by family and friends, only the love of our child we will never meet, only long for.

Our friends and family were wonderful. Sadly I have learnt through many friends who have shared their experiences too that these Angels are all too common. Although this saddens me greatly, I feel grateful being given a chance to be part of their experience as well as be provided the opportunity to begin healing, in the form of talking and realising what I feel is normal and to know these babies are never forgotten. This normally goes unspoken which is why so many of my friends have been through this and I did not know. Usually it happens before you even get to share your good news. I believe the pain can still be just as great.

I can say there isn't a day I don't think about our baby. Even little thoughts that seem automatic and unintentional. Such as someone offers me wine, or I eat soft cheese for a moment as if my mind is torturing me, i think "I cant have that 'cos I'm...oh wait....no I'm not..." and then for reasons I cant explain I feel guilty because I have that wine or cheese. Weird I know!  


A very dear friend said to me upon me telling her how sad our loss had made me, "so, you feel like you lost a baby like this?" And nodded towards one of my sons. Her look was one of disbelief. Unfortunately sometimes the people you think you need the most at this time do not have any idea of what you are going through. And I believe we cant expect them to, and heaven forbid, I would never want them too. I think we need to not have expectations of our friends who may not know how to be there for us, we may get disappointed. I tried to choose carefully who to go down this path with. I found the ones who wanted to and were right for me were obvious.

I am guilty of being someone who has thought with the best intentions and the kindness of my heart...at least it was early, and heaven forbid I may have even said it to someone. I never could imagine what loosing a full term baby would feel like and I don't ever want to. But these words actually don't ease the pain of loosing a baby at ANY stage. Once you have a positive test you have a baby, in your thoughts and plans it is definitely a baby, no matter what physical stage it is at. 

We saw our baby's heart beat at a mere 7 weeks, we saw a head, a spine, a body and we even saw where our babies arms and legs were beginning to form. We heard the heart beat at 8 weeks and the feeling of a life growing inside me was very much alive and real. My weekly emails about my baby told me our baby was no longer an embryo but a foetus at our 8 week scan, and that the definition of foetus means "little one". Although not quite 2 centimetres that week the embryonic tail was gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves were beginning to function. The hands could bend at the wrist, and the feet began to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids were beginning to cover the eyes. 

We lost a BABY on the 5th of October 2012. 

I don't want to hear it was for the best, or they are in a better place now. I truly believe that our little angel would have brightened up our world and we would have loved our baby no matter what, we have a pretty damn good place here. "It was meant" to be is not comforting, we wanted this baby, it was MEANT to be with us.

We are unsure at what stage between our 8 week scan and our appointment at 12 and a half weeks we lost our "little one". I do feel terrible for our baby that I could spend at least the last 2 weeks being so happy when telling EVERYONE our news. I feel guilty that I did not know, although how could I have. I assumed I just felt "better" and was one of the "lucky" ones.

So now I find myself turning to poems and affirmations, searching for anything that puts into kind words exactly how I feel, and that say sweet things to help get me through.... 

I am told things will get easier but I will never forget.

I have created this blog about this very unspoken topic, for my own benefit in our baby's memory, as the sadness I feel makes me want to never forget that my baby's heart did beat and was very much alive, and will be very VERY missed. If it helps someone along the the way that's a bonus. It is simply to allow a memory to live on...


And to my little one...

'Some people thought we were crazy wanting 3 kids so close together but we planned for you and we were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant with you. You had been wanted for a few months by then. There was going to be 22 months between you and your brother Nate, and 41 between you and your biggest brother Ollie. Unfortunately life was so busy during your short stay with us I hardly had the chance to just 'be' with you and be aware of your existence. I am sorry for that. 12 weeks really happened so fast and you were taken from us way to soon. I loved you then, I love you now, I love you forever…' - Mummy

Mummy Hugs

xxx

"when hearts listen, angels sing"
"always leave room in your life for Angels to dance"

Two quotes I found from I'm not sure who, and the beginning of my searching for a happy place for my angel, and one of acceptance for me.