The hardest thing for me in all of this is the sadness I feel for my baby. I will never know if she suffered. This is the worst part I believe for any Mummy. Wondering whether (and this bit is a bit scientific like) neural connections had been made that made my baby aware of her own existence. If she moved her arm or leg did she realise? Was she aware of her warm surroundings? And if so was she aware of me? Did she feel my movements or my heartbeat? Was she aware of my existence or that she had a Mummy who loved her? And if she was aware of at least her own existence, was she at all aware that she had to leave?
I don't know what answers would be more helpful. The idea that she was aware of maybe even my heartbeat is somewhat comforting. That she might have known there was a being in the form of her Mummy, and that had I been given the awareness or opportunity I would have done everything in my power to protect her, as any Mummy would. However, to have this awareness would mean that she knew she had to leave us. So I would also find comfort in knowing she was not aware of any suffering her tiny little body endured. However I know that by 12 weeks a babys brain is functioning and so is the nervous system.
We unsure at what stage she left in spirit. I was 12 + 2 weeks when we found out she had died. However she only measured 8 weeks. I like to think she was with me until the end regardless to my thoughts above. Rather than having carried her for up to 4 weeks unknowing......
I often think about where she would be now, the after life so-to-speak. And this is where I struggle with the awareness and not having any bond with me or knowing who I am. If there is an after life how would she know who I am, where to find me if she chooses to stay with me, and that I love her. All I can do is open my heart to her.
I like to think there is something after death. I like the thought of being able to watch over our loved ones and have them watch over us. This brings me to my thoughts about religion. I have never been an overly religious person. The thought of religion has been a tough one for me in this. I wish I had some Divine being to look to for guidance, or to be able to say "God took my little girl because he had other plans for her" and then be OK with that. I cant help but feel very betrayed if there is someone who decided there was a better place for my girl other than right here with me.
These are the things I struggle with.
I think about you everyday baby girl and wish you were here with me. Although it is me who should be protecting and watching over you, I am really trying to except that you are watching over me. I am trying very hard.
Mummy hugs to you my girl
xxx
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