An Angel from the Book of Life
Wrote down my baby's birth,
And whispered as she closed the book
"Too Beautiful For Earth"
Author Unknown
This poem always makes me teary these days. It is so beautiful to me. And it describes my baby perfectly. "too Beautiful for earth" but forever with me in my heart.
I am compelled to create this blog to share some things in our baby's memory as the sadness I feel makes me want to never forget that a tiny little heart did beat. My blog is simply for me to allow a memory to live on and if anyone reads this I hope to maybe create more of an awareness for something that is rarely spoken about in the general population, and a safe place for those going through a really tough time, to be able to see what someone else is feeling, and see it is most likely the same or at least similar.
I am compelled to create this blog to share some things in our baby's memory as the sadness I feel makes me want to never forget that a tiny little heart did beat. My blog is simply for me to allow a memory to live on and if anyone reads this I hope to maybe create more of an awareness for something that is rarely spoken about in the general population, and a safe place for those going through a really tough time, to be able to see what someone else is feeling, and see it is most likely the same or at least similar.
In 4 days I would have been 7 months pregnant, however instead we have an
angel to remind me how precious life really is and to help me
appreciate every moment. I know now that no matter how much we plan out
our lives, our lives are already planned out for us. WE had so many
plans for our baby. This has changed me. I will never forget. The deep
deep sadness, the aloneness that is so empty it cannot be filled by
family and friends, only the love of our child we will never meet, only
long for.
Our
friends and family were wonderful. Sadly I have learnt through many
friends who have shared their experiences too that these Angels are all
too common. Although this saddens me greatly, I feel grateful being
given a chance to be part of their experience as well as be provided the
opportunity to begin healing, in the form of talking and realising what I
feel is normal and to know these babies are never forgotten. This normally goes unspoken which is why so many of my friends have been through this and I did not know. Usually it happens before you even get to share your good news. I believe the pain can still be just as great.
I can say there isn't a day I don't think about our baby. Even little thoughts that seem automatic and unintentional. Such as someone offers me wine, or I eat soft cheese for a moment as if my mind is torturing me, i think "I cant have that 'cos I'm...oh wait....no I'm not..." and then for reasons I cant explain I feel guilty because I have that wine or cheese. Weird I know!
A very dear friend said to me upon me telling her how sad our loss had made me, "so, you feel like you lost a baby like this?" And nodded towards one of my sons. Her look was one of disbelief. Unfortunately sometimes the people you think you need the most at this time do not have any idea of what you are going through. And I believe we cant expect them to, and heaven forbid, I would never want them too. I think we need to not have expectations of our friends who may not know how to be there for us, we may get disappointed. I tried to choose carefully who to go down this path with. I found the ones who wanted to and were right for me were obvious.
I am guilty of being someone who has thought with the best intentions and the kindness of my heart...at least it was early, and heaven forbid I may have even said it to someone. I never could imagine what loosing a full term baby would feel like and I don't ever want to. But these words actually don't ease the pain of loosing a baby at ANY stage. Once you have a positive test you have a baby, in your thoughts and plans it is definitely a baby, no matter what physical stage it is at.
We saw our baby's heart beat at a mere 7 weeks, we saw a head, a spine, a body and we even saw where our babies arms and legs were beginning to form. We heard the heart beat at 8 weeks and the feeling of a life growing inside me was very much alive and real. My weekly emails about my baby told me our baby was no longer an embryo but a foetus at our 8 week scan, and that the definition of foetus means "little one". Although not quite 2 centimetres that week the embryonic tail was gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves were beginning to function. The hands could bend at the wrist, and the feet began to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids were beginning to cover the eyes.
We lost a BABY on the 5th of October 2012.
I don't want to hear it was for the best, or they are in a better place now. I truly believe that our little angel would have brightened up our world and we would have loved our baby no matter what, we have a pretty damn good place here. "It was meant" to be is not comforting, we wanted this baby, it was MEANT to be with us.
We are unsure at what stage between our 8 week scan and our appointment at 12 and a half weeks we lost our "little one". I do feel terrible for our baby that I could spend at least the last 2 weeks being so happy when telling EVERYONE our news. I feel guilty that I did not know, although how could I have. I assumed I just felt "better" and was one of the "lucky" ones.
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