I am really struggling with the thought of my due date. I think it is stressing me out more than I imagined and it is still two months away. My husband and I are fighting, nothing major but it seems to be constant. My fuse is shorter than it has ever been before and I am struggling to not let it effect my two boys. I am trying really hard to be happy for them.
My baby was due 4 days after my birthday. My husband talks about having a belated 30th this year as I wasnt wanting to celebrate last year incase I was pregnant. Turned out I did get pregnant just after my birthday but lost the baby at only 4 weeks. I am really anxious about my birthday, like REALLY. I am really really sad about it. I would be happy to miss this one and I certainly do not want to celebrate it. I should be giving birth to the best bundle anyone could get for their birthday. I just want my husband and my two boys with me. And even though I have been doing really well with losing weight I want to eat crap and veg at home.
And then 4 days later I would like no one with me. Sadly I dont think I could manage even my little boys with me, which just made me cry thinking about that. But I want a day to just cry, scream, throw shit, punch stuff, break something, run somewhere. And once I have done that maybe sit with Willow's teddy the hospital gave me when we lost her and look at the ultra sound pictures I have of her, probably while sitting in the room that was going to be hers, and look at the drawing the boys did of the family which includes our "little girl". Amazingly my eldest boy called her "little girl" from the start, even though we found out she was a girl after. Funny how they know stuff.
Baby girl I am not angry with you, Mummy is just really sad and thinks that some things in life are not fair
Mummy Hugs to you my girl
xxx
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