An awareness that a BABY was lost

I find the hardest thing to deal with is that other people, my friends, have trouble finding the connection between what is lost when a miscarriage occurs and a baby. To be honest I myself don't understand how a person wouldn't feel they lost a baby, as I have explained in other posts it is the planning, the expectations and the dreams that are lost and what helps to make it more of a reality for a Mummy that what the Dr's refer to as lost "cells", is a baby in every way. I mean every living thing is a bunch of "cells", but when my Pa died I remember no one saying they were sorry about the cells I lost!

I just wanted to post a blurb of the weekly emails I received when I was pregnant with Willow, in the hope that people can either relate to how I feel, or those who don't understand just might. 

This is the one I read the night before I started bleeding. Can I add that on this night I was watching the video posted on Babycentre about what my baby would look like at 12 weeks, showing how it would move. As I watched this video I tried to imagine that she was doing exactly that, kicking and learning how to move her limbs. I was feeling disappointed in myself that I had not taken time out to do this, to feel her existence and to somehow send her my love an thoughts.

12 weeks

"Your baby's face is beginning to look more human, even though she is only about 5.5cms long from her crown to her rump and weighs 14 grams. The eyes, which started out on the sides of the head, have moved closer together. The ears are almost in their normal position on the side of the head. The liver is making bile and the kidneys are secreting urine in the bladder.

The fetus squirms if your abdomen is prodded, although you cannot yet feel movement. Fetal nerve cells have been multiplying rapidly and synapses (neurological connections in your brain) are forming. The fetus has acquired more reflexes: touching the palms makes the fingers close, touching the soles of the feet makes the toes curl down and touching the eyelids makes the eye muscles clench."

And the video I watched to try and feel a connection with her and start bonding...is here if you wish to see for yourself. The following is the transcript of the narration. I have highlighted one of the most important parts.

" Narrator: At ten weeks and barely the size of a kumquat, your baby is entering the foetal stage of development.
His facial features are defined, and his tooth buds are forming.
Over the next weeks, his tissues and organs will rapidly grow and mature." (that's grow not develop)
"The webbing is gone between his fingers and toes, and his nails and fingerprints are developing. Your baby can open and close his fists and curl his toes.
Thanks to his developing muscles and reflexes, he's now moving his limbs and kicking up a storm. If this is your first baby, though, you likely won't feel his flutters until 18 to 20 weeks.
Through translucent skin, his vital organs are visible and functioning, including his growing brain, nervous system, intestines, and liver, which are making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac.
The umbilical cord is working hard now. One vein delivers oxygen and nutrient-rich blood to your baby. Two arteries then carry the blood away.
Around week 12, the kidneys have begun producing urine, which your baby will soon start excreting into the amniotic fluid. He'll swallow the fluid, and the process will begin again."

Even going back to 7 weeks (or the beginning of the eighth week), when my baby was very much alive, a baby has all their organs. Now they just need to grow

 "Now about 1.25 centimetres long, the size of a grape, the embryo has distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. It's a jumping bean, moving in fits and starts. The liver is churning out large amounts of red blood cells until the bone marrow forms and takes over this role.
The eighth week marks the beginning of a very busy developmental stage. Between now and 20 weeks, your baby will be growing rapidly, and body parts that formed in the first few weeks of life (such as the heart and brain) will become more specialised and complicated. Right now, the teeth and palate are forming, while the ears continue to develop. The fetus' skin is paper thin, and veins are clearly visible."

And at eight weeks, the week in which we last saw our baby girls beating heart 

"Congratulations -- your embryo is now called a fetus, which means 'little one.' Your uterus expands to accommodate its new resident, which now measures approximately 1.6 centimetres. Many changes take place this week -- the embryonic tail is gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves are beginning to function. The hands now bend at the wrist, and the feet begin to lose their webbed appearance. Eyelids are beginning to cover the eyes."

 This is why I get upset when someone doesn't understand how I could feel as though I lost an actual baby. Its because I did. That is all.


Mummy hugs

xxx